Pressure

Today I called up my sister to wish her a happy birthday. We don't speak very often as we are not close. There's no tension or feud or anything else of that sort, we're just 10 years apart in age so by the time I was becoming a somewhat functional child, she had moved out for college. I love her but our lives are very different. She's led a stable life, done all the right things (worked for the same company for over 20 years, risen through the ranks, married a good man, helped raise his kids). She has a nice life, all in all, and she's stayed in the midwest her whole life. She's had the burden of having to take care of my increasingly ailing parents all these years as I've been far away.

Well with the job loss, I was motivated to look for work in Michigan. That has raised the hopes of my family that I might return and share in the burden. My sister asked how my job search was coming and updated her on my situations with the UM IRB and the Guild. She asked if I would consider Columbus OH. I said I would and she gave me the names of some R & D companies that might have internal IRBs. As we kept talking I could feel the walls closing in. She remarked that it would be best at some point I get back on the other side of the Mississippi. On the plus side, that means NYC, but I've a feeling she would prefer (and by extent my parents would prefer) Michigan or Ohio. I changed the topic of the conversation to my sister's summer vacation plans as I was overwhelmed with feelings of suffocation. I may be a selfish SOB, but I just don't want to move back there. I don't belong there, I rather stay out in LA and struggle. In a way, it's flattering they want me to be closer, but if I did move back there, I don't think much would change. I'm very bland around. I shut down and tend not to express any strong opinions. As if I encounter problems, they're not people I would turn to. In the past 10 years, when I had to face something difficult such a bad health problem or a relationship bust up or my job going to hell, I confided in others and either kepy my parents and sister entirely out of the loop or informed them of the event a few days if not weeks after the fact. Case in point--my dismissal from UCLA. I called and emailed friends first--family was informed later on. That speaks volumes on whom I consider those I can turn to for meaningful support. Now it seems they're beginning to turn to me, but I don't feel that it would be reciprocated.